Ponderings

The Allure of a Japanese Spouse

February 10, 2021 /

In honor of Valentine’s Day, I thought I’d write a post about love. Now, before you get too excited (or upset, even), I just want to say that I was inspired to blog about this upon seeing a specific visiting trend to my site. Can you guess what that trend is? Hint: It has to do with love and it has to do with Japanese people. Curious? Read on.

A good amount of my site’s visitors were reading the following blog posts:

From this, I can conclude in an assuming manner that they have an interest in getting into a relationship with a Japanese man or woman. I could be wrong, but something tells me that I’m very right. Of course, for the “Mom Thinks I’m Crazy to Marry a Japanese Guy” blog post, one can argue that the visit was purely out of wanting to know what I thought about the movie, but I doubt it.

So, what is it that makes having a Japanese spouse so alluring? I don’t have the answer but I want to explore this with you in today’s blog post.

The thing is Japanese people are people. They aren’t any more special than a non-Japanese guy/girl. But your interests, whether it be JPop, anime or some other aspect of Japanese culture may make you think otherwise. And to be honest, I think that this is a bit of a problem.

What do you want in a partner?

It may be one thing to have a preference for a Japanese looking person but an entirely different thing to only want a Japanese partner. By limiting yourself to a Japanese man/woman, you miss out on the possibilities of getting into a relationship with a wonderful partner. Here’s an example: You meet an Asian American guy that’s like a match made in heaven for you. He’s good looking, kind, never been married and even has a nice job. He’s perfect, that is until you learn he isn’t Japanese. Explain to me why you’d let go of this guy just because he’s not Japanese. Also, explain why you wasted his time simply because you assumed he was Japanese based on his looks. If it’s just looks you’re after, this, my friend, is a relationship that was worth pursuing.

Superficial

I’m going off on a bit of a tangent now, but I recall the time I was at Anime Expo and seeing non-API attendees getting giddy to interact with Asian American attendees only to lose interest upon learning that they weren’t Japanese. Stereotypical “weaboo” behavior perhaps, but I think it says a lot about how superficial people’s desires can be. Please, people, keep in mind that a Japanese person is a human being and as a human being, they are not without flaws.

This brings me to my next topic.

Destination: Japan

A good amount of people online express how they want to go to Japan and land a Japanese man/woman. Goodluck with that! I say good luck because it might be difficult for you to visit Japan right now. (Hello COVID.) I also say good luck because relationships are never that easy. If couples sharing the same ethnicity and culture can manage to have a plethora of issues in their relationship, what makes you think the same is not going to happen when you are in a relationship with a Japanese person? It’s nice to be hopeful but it’s even more nice to be realistic about things. Please take language and cultural barriers into consideration. If you’re used to having random guys opening the door for you back home, you might have to get un-used to such gestures in Japan. Sure, there may never be a need for someone to open the doors for you in Japan since most of their doors will just slide at the push of a button but keep in mind that gender inequalities exist heavily in Japan. What is normal in the West for females may be abnormal in Japan. Translation: Japan may not be your happily ever after country. It’s a country with flaws, just like how every other country has its own set of flaws.

What about red flags?

As for that Japanese guy you want so much in Japan, I think it’s important to ask yourself every now and then if you are being treated fairly while en route to relationship status. When you want someone badly enough, you might disregard red flags or worse, not even notice red flags. For example, is this Japanese person only interested in you because you’re not Japanese? (If yes, someone might say you deserved it due to wanting him for the same type of reason.)

Questions to Ask Yourself

While I might not agree or understand your desire to go to Japan for a mate, I do understand your desire to be happy with the person you end up with. So, here are some questions you should ask yourself once you’re in a relationship or even prior to that even:

  • Are both of you having open ended conversations with each other? How fluent is he in English and how fluent are you in Japanese? Ideally, a relationship should not be run by google translate doing the talking. This is a no brainer but needs to be said.
  • Are you both meeting at a middle point? It shouldn’t have to always be you that goes the extra mile just to attempt to fit into Japanese norms. It takes two to tango in a relationship and this applies to him working around your Western norms, as well.
  • What do his apologies or excuses sound like? If it’s something you wouldn’t be okay with back home, you shouldn’t let it slide just because he is your Japanese “prince”. It’s your choice if you want to give him another chance, but you might want be better off giving him the boot.
  • Are you happy? So, you managed to get a Japanese guy but are you actually happy with him? If not, maybe you should assess the relationship and even end it, if necessary.
  • How comfortable are you in Japan and will you ever become comfortable in Japan? If your significant other has no plans of moving out of Japan, will you be okay with staying in Japan indefinitely with him?
  • What are his parents like? If one of his parents doesn’t approve of your relationship, will you be able to handle the toxicity from the parent that doesn’t like you? If he’s the eldest son or the son that will inherit the family’s wealth (whatever level of wealth they have) and his parents have issues with you, know that your relationship may be a struggle that’s not worth struggling with.

If you’re seriously set on a Japanese partner for whatever reason and that last sentence there caught you off guard a bit, I think it’d be best for you to read up on Japanese culture as well as scouring others’ relationship experiences with a Japanese person. Do make sure that you read the negative experiences in addition to the positive experiences because it’s the negative experiences that will give you a reality check of what you may be getting into despite the fact that everyone’s relationship is different from one another.

Reality Checks Needed

A former coworker of mine could very well use the above advice, however I never gave her such advice as I felt it wasn’t my place to give it. This girl was adamant about marrying a Japanese man. So adamant that her thoughts led to a dream. Although this dream of hers somehow involved me, I feel it was a subconscious projection of her desires to be with a Japanese man. (The dream just didn’t exactly go that way…) Despite her strong desire, I managed to burst her bubble.

When she said, “I can only marry a Japanese man because I want a Japanese wedding”, I had a wtf moment. It’s one thing to want a Japanese wedding because you find it pretty but to warp it into a reason for marrying a Japanese man is mind boggling. I had to give her a reality check. I told her that she could marry anyone (Japanese or not) and have a Japanese wedding. She was defensive and said it had to be a Japanese man because the Japanese wedding would be in Japan. Again, I had to give her a reality check. I told her that she could have a Japanese wedding in the states or even Japan, with a non-Japanese man. With her still being defensive, I had to tell her that many people who aren’t even Japanese have destination weddings in Japan. (Hey, if you have the money, you can have the wedding there.) Eventually, she came through when I mentioned that some Japanese people don’t even have Japanese weddings as they opt for the stereotypical American style wedding (tuxedo and white gown). Can we say ugh? Ugh.

This fixation of hers was truly something. The funny thing is that I honestly don’t know how successful of a relationship she’d have if she ever did get with a Japanese man. I say this because despite her having learned Japanese and being able to hold a decent conversation in Japanese, there’s a lot about Japanese culture she doesn’t understand or isn’t aware of.

Example: She didn’t know the superstition behind the number 4. While not all Asians are the same, a good amount of Asians hold this same superstition with Japanese people. Thus, if you’re observant enough in Japan, you may be lucky enough to notice that a building doesn’t have a 4th floor or if it does have a 4th floor, it’s labeled as some other floor instead.

It’s perfectly normal to not know or understand the small things of a different culture but it’s also these small things that can negatively impact your relationship with someone.

My best advice for anyone that’s fixated on having a Japanese man or woman but can’t tolerate the difference in culture is to opt for a Japanese American instead. Unfortunately for you, the Japanese American may be quick at figuring out that you’re only after his/her ethnicity. It’s similar to how Asian Americans in general can see through non-APIs wanting them due to yellow fever. Of course, if you’re not completely superficial, things might work out in your favor in that the two of you will at least have less barriers to overcome.

As mentioned earlier in this post, try not to limit yourself. You never know who your ideal partner will be. It may be a Japanese person or it may not be. Let life surprise you in the romance department.

Happy Valentine’s Day, folks! 💋

Note: I got tired of typing out him/her and his/her but know that it was meant to be written interchangeably throughout my post.